Perhaps....
I should consider changing the name of this blog. After all, we are not two mommies, or even one mommy. We are two aunts (and damn good ones) but not mommies. And maybe we will never be mommies. Every single couple from the core group of people we started out with on Fertility Friend is either pregnant, in the process of adopting, or has had a child already. Could it be that we will have a baby, but he or she is just in line behind all the other babies, waiting for his turn? (We do both despise queue-jumpers, so it would be like our kid to wait, and even to encourage others to go ahead.)
I stay away from Fertility Friend precisely because fertility has not, so far, been my friend, or even my acquaintance. But when I do drop in, I start to feel a pressure and sadness and anxiety that I don't like. It's as if all of your friends, one by one, hit the lotto jackpot and you kept thinking, 'I can do this, I can do this. I'd better buy a ticket now, right now, today. And I'd better not skip a day, because that might be THE day, my one chance, the day I'm destined to WIN.' As soon as I log off of there, I'm back on the sperm bank websites just for kicks, like browsing at QVC, even though we have a known donor who happens to be a dear friend (and a hottie, according to my sister--it's ok to say that because, even though he reads the blog, he already knows she said it). And this insane chant just runs through my mind: chart, temp, insem, wait, test, repeat. And I want to go wake Lisa up right now and say, 'Hey, what are we going to do about this? Shall we try again, start the adoption process, or decide we'll never be parents and grieve and move on?' She'd kill me, because she doesn't get anxious like I do. Good thing, huh?
The cheese stands alone.
This concludes the I-Feel-Sorry-For-Myself Pity Party. I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
I stay away from Fertility Friend precisely because fertility has not, so far, been my friend, or even my acquaintance. But when I do drop in, I start to feel a pressure and sadness and anxiety that I don't like. It's as if all of your friends, one by one, hit the lotto jackpot and you kept thinking, 'I can do this, I can do this. I'd better buy a ticket now, right now, today. And I'd better not skip a day, because that might be THE day, my one chance, the day I'm destined to WIN.' As soon as I log off of there, I'm back on the sperm bank websites just for kicks, like browsing at QVC, even though we have a known donor who happens to be a dear friend (and a hottie, according to my sister--it's ok to say that because, even though he reads the blog, he already knows she said it). And this insane chant just runs through my mind: chart, temp, insem, wait, test, repeat. And I want to go wake Lisa up right now and say, 'Hey, what are we going to do about this? Shall we try again, start the adoption process, or decide we'll never be parents and grieve and move on?' She'd kill me, because she doesn't get anxious like I do. Good thing, huh?
The cheese stands alone.
This concludes the I-Feel-Sorry-For-Myself Pity Party. I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
posted by tp at 11:16 PM
5 Comments:
It's worse than the lotto. You don't grow up thinking that, like most people, you'll win the lotto some day. It's also worse because there are people who get it and don't want it, and people who get it and are happy about it but don't think about how it's something others try for so hard and for so long.
You and Lisa deserve to have the family of your dreams. I can't promise that it will happen, but I can promise you that I'm praying you'll get exactly what you want.
Gender confusion in toddlers?
The helpful people at Focus On The Family offer up some ways to tell if your toddler or young ... For BloggingBaby.
Nice blog site, really cool!
I have a Hampton Bay Ceiling Fan site/blog. It pretty much covers Hampton Bay Ceiling Fan related stuff.
Come and check it out if you get time.
Ok, comment spam is heinous. But comment spam when you're pouring out your heart? That's just downright evil.
sending you e-ice cream. lots of it!
I've never seen blog spam - wow.
As for the rest of it, well, honey, I SO get it. This could totally NOT even happen for us - emotionally, it will be horrendous.
love and hugs and serenity to you.
Come back, sweetie... we miss you!
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