Questioning everything I thought I knew.
I'm wondering, again, if I still want a baby. Not so much because of the hard work involved, though it is mind-blowingly difficult. (And something, I think, that very few people who have not had day-to-day care of a baby will know, even if they've spent lots of time with kids. I thought I knew. I was wrong. I'm sure, in fact, that even knowing what I know now, I would have no idea how physically exchausted I would be if I had a tiny baby instead of a near-toddler.)
No, my doubts stem from, once again, my tender little heart. Having a baby is, like loving anyone, giving hostages to fortune. So much more of yourself is exposed, so much more sadness and tragedy can touch you. I know, there's more happiness, too, but I'm such a cynic. Plus, they become teenagers. The campus where I work was overrun with a Lutheran teen group last week, and it was like high school, really, with the cliques of cool kids, dorks, jocks and so on. And these kids seemed pretty pious! I can't imagine what a real cross-section of the teen population must be like.
Then, one of my co-workers shows me the book Diary of a Baby, in which a noted psychiatrist does his best to tell parents what thoughts their child might be having. Fucking depressing, really, as most of them revolve around how your child can be utterly undone by your even-momentary absence. And I park this loaner-kid at daycare 8+ hours per day and am getting ready to take her to her grandparents for a WHOLE WEEK! Daycare's the other issue. I firmly believe nearly every two-parent family could, with sacrifices, arrange for one parent to stay home. But what if you don't want to? Because I sure as hell would go insane if I did. And then, even if you are ok with daycare, it makes sense for one child but once you get to two you might as well stay home, because you're probably giving the greater chunk of the second salary to the caregivers anyway, and on top of it you're buying work clothes, transportation, etc. for both wage-earners. How do people do it? Why do people do it?
Do I still want to do it?
Maybe. She is pretty great. But I think there will be more therapy involved.
No, my doubts stem from, once again, my tender little heart. Having a baby is, like loving anyone, giving hostages to fortune. So much more of yourself is exposed, so much more sadness and tragedy can touch you. I know, there's more happiness, too, but I'm such a cynic. Plus, they become teenagers. The campus where I work was overrun with a Lutheran teen group last week, and it was like high school, really, with the cliques of cool kids, dorks, jocks and so on. And these kids seemed pretty pious! I can't imagine what a real cross-section of the teen population must be like.
Then, one of my co-workers shows me the book Diary of a Baby, in which a noted psychiatrist does his best to tell parents what thoughts their child might be having. Fucking depressing, really, as most of them revolve around how your child can be utterly undone by your even-momentary absence. And I park this loaner-kid at daycare 8+ hours per day and am getting ready to take her to her grandparents for a WHOLE WEEK! Daycare's the other issue. I firmly believe nearly every two-parent family could, with sacrifices, arrange for one parent to stay home. But what if you don't want to? Because I sure as hell would go insane if I did. And then, even if you are ok with daycare, it makes sense for one child but once you get to two you might as well stay home, because you're probably giving the greater chunk of the second salary to the caregivers anyway, and on top of it you're buying work clothes, transportation, etc. for both wage-earners. How do people do it? Why do people do it?
Do I still want to do it?
Maybe. She is pretty great. But I think there will be more therapy involved.
posted by tp at 8:55 PM
2 Comments:
it's all about therapy. it' ain't easy for sure, but it's so wonderful and so, just so.... so amazing at the same time.
I don't mind comments, even from those who find me, my thoughts, values, and my very existence objectionable. But at least have the decency to sing your name, or post a link to your real blog, if you are so proud of your words.
Also, I don't know if you're implying that I am demented, but at least I know what punctuation is, and how it should be used. I can spell, too.
Post a Comment
<< Home