PMS Sucks.

I'm having my monthly hormonal swings, courtesy of the sick joke that is PMS, and feeling very sad about the looming departure of the toddler niece, who will return to her mom late next month. It's not simply PMS, of course; I will most definitely be sad when she goes, but right now I'm having irrationally sad thoughts, thinking of her tiny little self being all confused and thinking we didn't want her and sent her away. I'm not deranged, really. I mean, I know she will be with her mother (and, soon, her father) who love her even more than I do, if such a thing is possible. And I know that I will see her again, and that we will always be in each other's lives. And I know she will be loved and cared for, and I know that she will not remember any of this when she's 5, or even 3, or maybe even by Christmas, for all I know. But it's the first few days and nights I imagine that she might be confused and the thought of it breaks my heart. If she were older, I could not only explain it to her, I could also talk to her on the phone, etc. But she's not. She's 16 months old and I will miss her desperately.

Keep in mind, won't you, that I had all these same concerns when her mom had to go to Cuba. I knew I was taking care of her, and that she was loved and safe and happy most of the time, but I still couldn't help feeling undone by what might have been going through her head in her quieter moments.

You've heard of those so-called "victimless crimes?" Well, I feel like we are, all, crimeless victims. (Unless you consider George W. Bush the criminal--and I do, really, but that's another post for another day, isn't it?) My sister-in-law and brother did not want to be away from their child. Even if they did want to serve their country or fulfill their obligations or whatever, they never for a minute wanted to be away from this little girl. And I never wanted them to go. But here we are, all of us having our lives turned upside down once again. It's not like one of those horrible custody battles where we adopted a child 3 years ago and kept being sure we'd get to keep her but one appeal after another finally ended with her being sent back to her biological parent(s). No, it's not like that at all, but the effect is the same.

One good thing that's come of it, though, is that I know that I can do this. I can be a parent, and even more importantly, I can open myself fully and completely to someone with no expectation of anything in return, and with the certain knowledge of pain with no recourse. You know, Lisa and I have been together for nearly 13 years and I have given myself to her as completely as I think is healthy for a couple. Meaning that, I think it's healthy to still have your own friends, your own hobbies, and activities---your own thoughts, for Pete's sake. And I know that if Lisa were to ever leave me, I'd at least have the option of feeling anger at her for it. But this little girl is leaving me and I can't be angry at her, of course, or at anyone. It just IS, and it's sad and I KNEW it would be sad, but I'm proud that I still did it and I still let myself love her without limits, because she doesn't deserve anything less than that.