Mr. Pee Stick Speaks His Mind

The home pregnancy tests are talking to me. And they're the old-fashioned one-line/two-lines kind, too, not even the fancy digital type. Yet they are clearly speaking to me, saying more than just "positive" or "negative," believe it or not. Just a few days ago, for example, her period was several days late and while we somehow knew in our hearts she wasn't pregnant, we felt like it called for peeing on a stick anyway, if for no other reason than to stay in practice. So, she pees on the stick, rests it on the edge of the sink and goes about her morning business, planning to peek in on it sometime between the prescribed 3 minute minimum and 10 minute maximum.

It was my misfortune to walk in the bathroom shortly thereafter, and while brushing my hair I heard it. "Psst." A quick look, then back to my grooming routine. Again: "Psst. I've got some bad news."

"Are you talking to me?"

"Well, there's no-one else here. And I hate to tell you this before the three minutes are even up, but you're not pregnant."

No surprise there, so I told the little pee stick. "Thanks, you know, but I KNOW I'm not pregnant. It's my partner who peed on you."

"Oh, your partner," said Mr. Pee Stick. "How 2004. Well, sorry, she's not pregnant either, though I don't know why I'm apologizing to you. You're just the lazy one who's letting her do all the hard work. You think it's easy peeing on a stick first thing in the morning?"

I slunk out of the bathroom. Screw you, Mr. Pee Stick.